Spring Snow

The 2nd day of spring began pretty miserably--grey, cold, snow, and backslides. But then I noticed that underneath the snow, the first blossoms of spring are peeking out!!! Winter ends and spring begins, habits are broken and new ones are formed, difficult times turn into blessings in disguise. It just takes time. And it will be worth the wait.

The Opening and Closing of Doors

Sometimes I lose my perspective.
Sometimes I don't know where perspective has gone, or how to get it back, I just feel discouraged.
Sometimes life falls perfectly into place, but more often than not life can be a struggle. 
The last few weeks have that way for me, it felt like every door I expected to go through has been closed. Since high school, I have wanted to study physical therapy for graduate school. I am finally graduating with my undergraduate degree in exercise science and German from BYU this April. During the fall semester, I spent a lot of time and money applying for graduate school only to not be accepted. Of course I was upset, angry, disappointed and discouraged.
At the same time, contrary to what my mind was thinking, I felt at peace with the results. I felt that everything is taking place for a reason. Although I felt like God is in charge and everything will work out, I've had a lot of ups and downs as far as my emotions and acceptance of it all go.
A couple of weeks ago my awesome home teacher shared a general conference talk with me. In it President Howard W. Hunter talks about the opening and closing of doors--what to do when one opportunity is closed and another opens. He says the following on the subject:

"Where one door shuts, another opens, even for a prophet in prison. We are not always wise enough nor experienced enough to judge adequately all of the possible entries and exits. The mansion that God prepares for each of his beloved children may have only certain hallways and banisters, special carpets and curtains that he would have us pass on our way to possess it.
"At various times in our lives, probably at repeated times in our lives, we do have to acknowledge that God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see." -President Howard W. Hunter ("The Opening and Closing of Doors" General Conference October 1987)Bir

This talk really hit home. I've been so frustrated that MY plan isn't working out, that I wasn't taking the time to find out what GOD'S plan is for my life. So one door has shut, but another door will open. One of my life's most common lessons is that it is all about timing. Timing is crucial in every aspect of my life, and often God's timing is not the same as my own timing.
This last week I finally stopped moping and decided to DO something to move forward and progress in my life. I've been looking more seriously into my options, though it sometimes feels overwhelming because there are so many options! Which physical therapy programs should I apply to or reapply to in the fall? Should I apply for alternative graduate programs as well? Is there a different career path I should pursue? What should I do this summer to prepare for graduate school? Should I find another part time job, retake some classes, find another internship, or should I shadow different health professionals? 
One thing I do know for certain, is that everything will somehow work out. Someday at a time and in a place I will look back and see the blessings which have come from the closed doors. I will see the doors which opened permitting roads and journeys which have led to my growth, development and happiness. I once posted my favorite poem on this blog, but as it is relevant to this topic I will post it again.


The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the ones less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Life is full of unexpected twists, turns, struggles, but also unforeseen joys. I am grateful for some of the positive turns my life has taken during the last couple of months. I am also very grateful for the wonderful friends and people who I have in my life. I am looking forward to seeing the roads which my choices now will lead me along. I am excited to see the doors which will open during the next year as I continue to prepare for the future. 

Hope

I'm grateful for people who are willing to take a risk to share their stories of pain, sorrow, addiction, hope, faith, and courage to help those around them. For the past several months I've been following a couple blogs by LDS men and women who experience same sex attraction (SSA). They are at varying stages of dealing with their challenges, but each one of them is inspiring. One of these blogs is by David, a devout member of the church and BYU MBA student. I have been following his blog (http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/) since the beginning of the summer and his courage and hope throughout his trials has affected me as a person, as well as my perspective on issues such as SSA and addiction. This has in turn prepared me to have an open, loving heart to be accepting of some of the learning experiences I'm having in my life right now.

For anyone who is interested, here are a couple more of the SSA blogs/websites I've been following:
Northern Lights
The Official LDS church's site for gay Mormons
Josh Weed

The Valentine's Edition

Since today is Valentine's day, I'd like to talk a little bit about love and marriage from my own perspective.
I'm a 25 year old female graduating from Brigham Young University in Provo--and I am unmarried! As far as the BYU and "Provo-ite" culture is concerned, I am a 'failure' as a good Mormon woman. It's interesting to see how people react when they find out how old I am and discover that I'm still unmarried, though I did serve a mission for the church. Everywhere else in the world 25 would be considered too 'young' to be married, but as far as this culture here is concerned, there 'must' be something wrong with me.
It doesn't bother me that I'm not married, though there was a time in my life where I felt very pressured to get married by the Provo culture. I thought maybe everyone else was right--maybe there was something wrong with me. At one point in time I even I told God that I had served a mission, been righteous, etc etc and now it was time for him to send me my husband so I could get married and have the perfect life. However, I have had 3 chances to get married, and none of them have been right for me. They were all good men, however, there was always some kind of problem in our relationship which prevented me from feeling good about getting married to them.
Eventually, I realized that I wasn't ready to get married. I myself have imperfections and weaknesses that I need to work on in order to be prepared for that kind of commitment. I understood that I need to be ready for even more than just a lifelong commitment: I need to be ready for an eternal commitment. Now, I feel that as long as I'm working on developing good qualities in myself, and doing what I know I should do, things will work out. I'll continue to date and develop myself, and one day I will feel ready enough to get married.
When I was younger, I had a huge list of traits that I wanted in a husband. It was full of things ranging from serious to silly qualities and included appearances. Currently my list is fairly short on paper, but it is important to me. Since we are all flawed, during dating it's import for me to decide whether or not I want to deal with a man's weaknesses, imperfections, and even the things that drive me crazy about him.  I suppose there are many qualities that I am looking for, and many traits that I know that I can't deal with in a relationship, however, I feel like these are some essential things I can't do without:

• If I can't have a perfect man, then I want an honest one.

The younger version of myself once painted a naive picture of a perfect man who would someday sweep me off of my feet and we would live happily ever after. I have since learned that no one is perfect. Everyone has difficulties, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I am no exception to the rule because there IS NO exception to the rule. I can't expect perfection, when I myself have not achieved this standard. Since discovering that a flawless Prince Charming doesn't exist, I have come to recognize how important honesty is to me. I can face problems, I can work with weaknesses and imperfection. But I can't handle lies. I need someone who is completely truthful with me, and someone who I can be completely honest with in addition. Honesty can be very painful. Sometimes it feels like it would be better to lie than to admit that a mistake has been made. It can be  easy to justify a white lie, or an omission of fact. However, I believe that integrity is crucial for developing confidence within a relationship.

• A hard working man who manages money, time, and his life well.

When I say "I Do", it's time for me to work with my spouse to make the relationship last for eternity. Therefore, I think it's important to marry someone who is also willing to work hard with me on our relationship and in every other aspect of our lives. If we can work together on the little things like budgeting money, yard and house work, managing time, etc, then we'll be able to work on the overwhelming difficulties that life inevitably brings to everyone at one time or another. We'll be able to work hard and build a happy life together.

• A man who I can communicate with and solve problems with

Communication is key in every relationship, including work relationships, peer friendships, etc, so of course it is also vital in a healthy marriage. In some of my past relationships I struggled with communication. Throughout the course of those relationships, I discovered that the lack of communication built an insurmountable wall which resulted in isolation, and frustration and eventually precipitated the dissolution of the relationships. I have learned that there are a few aspects of communication which are vital for me. I'm still learning, there are probably more aspects of communication which I will continue to learn about, however, here's what I know.
Expressing my thoughts and feelings is crucial for me to feel emotionally connected with someone. I want to be able to discuss my physical, emotional, and spiritual problems in life. I need to be listened to and understood, and in return I need to listen and understand. I feel like this type of communication creates a mutual dependency as well as confidence within a marriage.
I feel that an equal partnership is essential to a happy relationship, and communication is the key to achieve this partnership. Communication allows a couple to be able to create and be supportive of one another's life goals--including temporal and spiritual goals. It allows a couple to be on the same page with more difficult aspects of family life such as disciplining children, etc, and creates harmony within the home.
I believe that discussing mistakes is just as important if not even more important as discussing the joys of living. Part of life is learning to recognize and work through difficulties as well as our own weaknesses. I feel that a marriage is the ideal ground for learning to overcome weaknesses. That being said, there are some weaknesses which should ideally be overcome before entering a marriage because of the difficulties it they can cause. Addictions, eating disorders, and mental instability are among the things which should be addressed before beginning a marriage when possible. However, that being said, when the marriage covenant has been made, every effort to amend mistakes and overcome difficulties should be made.
One last aspect of communication which I'd like to mention is being the first to apologize and make amends, even when it's not your fault. If both spouses adapt this philosophy, misunderstanding and anger will never last without being resolved.

• A worthy priesthood holder who loves and puts God first

This is probably the very most important quality in a husband. God is essential in a healthy, happy marriage.

In conclusion, my last couple of thoughts on this topic are:

• Don't forget the little things that make dating fun & bring a special sweetness into marriage even after 50 years. My Winters Grandparents are a great example to me of this. Grandpa Winters is the most thoughtful person I know. He is constantly doing little things for my Grandma which shows how much he loves her. I remember once at the bookstore Grandma commented on a CD of a live concert by Dolly Parton. Grandma really likes Dolly Parton. Grandpa asked, "Can I buy the CD for you?" and then he did. It wasn't so much the CD as the way that Grandpa was still looking for little things he could do for my Grandma, after so many years of marriage, that made the difference.
• All of these qualities are qualities that I am looking for in a spouse are qualities that I need to develop in myself.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Story Time!!!

Christmas stories with my lovely Cathryn!!! This is her reading her Furner Christmas Story for me which she wrote for a creative writing class at BYU-Idaho. She's so talented and AWESOME!!!!

Run, Santa, Run!!!

On my way home a couple days before Christmas, what did I spy? SANTAS RUNNING A RACE!!! :)

Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

This year we got a real Charlie Brown Christmas tree!!! My lovely roommate Kat's family chops down a huge Christmas tree every year. So Kat and her sisters chopped down a little tiny tree for us to decorate! We were so excited just like Charlie Brown and Snoopy!!! :)

Here's our tree!!! Super duper happy!!!! :D

But then our tree died.... It dried up and we couldn't revive it!!! What I later discovered is that Kat forgot to re-cut the bottom of the Christmas tree when she put it in water. So our tree completely dried up...and the needles were getting everywhere!! We tried to keep it alive, but every day it looked more sad. One day we were vacuuming and we decided to clean up the needles underneath the tree. As we moved the tree skirt intending to dump it out in the garbage, we suddenly bumped the tree. ALL of the needles fell off!!!!! Our poor, pathetic Charlie Brown tree had just gotten even sadder!!! That was the last straw--we chucked the tree 3 days before Christmas.