The Valentine's Edition

Since today is Valentine's day, I'd like to talk a little bit about love and marriage from my own perspective.
I'm a 25 year old female graduating from Brigham Young University in Provo--and I am unmarried! As far as the BYU and "Provo-ite" culture is concerned, I am a 'failure' as a good Mormon woman. It's interesting to see how people react when they find out how old I am and discover that I'm still unmarried, though I did serve a mission for the church. Everywhere else in the world 25 would be considered too 'young' to be married, but as far as this culture here is concerned, there 'must' be something wrong with me.
It doesn't bother me that I'm not married, though there was a time in my life where I felt very pressured to get married by the Provo culture. I thought maybe everyone else was right--maybe there was something wrong with me. At one point in time I even I told God that I had served a mission, been righteous, etc etc and now it was time for him to send me my husband so I could get married and have the perfect life. However, I have had 3 chances to get married, and none of them have been right for me. They were all good men, however, there was always some kind of problem in our relationship which prevented me from feeling good about getting married to them.
Eventually, I realized that I wasn't ready to get married. I myself have imperfections and weaknesses that I need to work on in order to be prepared for that kind of commitment. I understood that I need to be ready for even more than just a lifelong commitment: I need to be ready for an eternal commitment. Now, I feel that as long as I'm working on developing good qualities in myself, and doing what I know I should do, things will work out. I'll continue to date and develop myself, and one day I will feel ready enough to get married.
When I was younger, I had a huge list of traits that I wanted in a husband. It was full of things ranging from serious to silly qualities and included appearances. Currently my list is fairly short on paper, but it is important to me. Since we are all flawed, during dating it's import for me to decide whether or not I want to deal with a man's weaknesses, imperfections, and even the things that drive me crazy about him.  I suppose there are many qualities that I am looking for, and many traits that I know that I can't deal with in a relationship, however, I feel like these are some essential things I can't do without:

• If I can't have a perfect man, then I want an honest one.

The younger version of myself once painted a naive picture of a perfect man who would someday sweep me off of my feet and we would live happily ever after. I have since learned that no one is perfect. Everyone has difficulties, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I am no exception to the rule because there IS NO exception to the rule. I can't expect perfection, when I myself have not achieved this standard. Since discovering that a flawless Prince Charming doesn't exist, I have come to recognize how important honesty is to me. I can face problems, I can work with weaknesses and imperfection. But I can't handle lies. I need someone who is completely truthful with me, and someone who I can be completely honest with in addition. Honesty can be very painful. Sometimes it feels like it would be better to lie than to admit that a mistake has been made. It can be  easy to justify a white lie, or an omission of fact. However, I believe that integrity is crucial for developing confidence within a relationship.

• A hard working man who manages money, time, and his life well.

When I say "I Do", it's time for me to work with my spouse to make the relationship last for eternity. Therefore, I think it's important to marry someone who is also willing to work hard with me on our relationship and in every other aspect of our lives. If we can work together on the little things like budgeting money, yard and house work, managing time, etc, then we'll be able to work on the overwhelming difficulties that life inevitably brings to everyone at one time or another. We'll be able to work hard and build a happy life together.

• A man who I can communicate with and solve problems with

Communication is key in every relationship, including work relationships, peer friendships, etc, so of course it is also vital in a healthy marriage. In some of my past relationships I struggled with communication. Throughout the course of those relationships, I discovered that the lack of communication built an insurmountable wall which resulted in isolation, and frustration and eventually precipitated the dissolution of the relationships. I have learned that there are a few aspects of communication which are vital for me. I'm still learning, there are probably more aspects of communication which I will continue to learn about, however, here's what I know.
Expressing my thoughts and feelings is crucial for me to feel emotionally connected with someone. I want to be able to discuss my physical, emotional, and spiritual problems in life. I need to be listened to and understood, and in return I need to listen and understand. I feel like this type of communication creates a mutual dependency as well as confidence within a marriage.
I feel that an equal partnership is essential to a happy relationship, and communication is the key to achieve this partnership. Communication allows a couple to be able to create and be supportive of one another's life goals--including temporal and spiritual goals. It allows a couple to be on the same page with more difficult aspects of family life such as disciplining children, etc, and creates harmony within the home.
I believe that discussing mistakes is just as important if not even more important as discussing the joys of living. Part of life is learning to recognize and work through difficulties as well as our own weaknesses. I feel that a marriage is the ideal ground for learning to overcome weaknesses. That being said, there are some weaknesses which should ideally be overcome before entering a marriage because of the difficulties it they can cause. Addictions, eating disorders, and mental instability are among the things which should be addressed before beginning a marriage when possible. However, that being said, when the marriage covenant has been made, every effort to amend mistakes and overcome difficulties should be made.
One last aspect of communication which I'd like to mention is being the first to apologize and make amends, even when it's not your fault. If both spouses adapt this philosophy, misunderstanding and anger will never last without being resolved.

• A worthy priesthood holder who loves and puts God first

This is probably the very most important quality in a husband. God is essential in a healthy, happy marriage.

In conclusion, my last couple of thoughts on this topic are:

• Don't forget the little things that make dating fun & bring a special sweetness into marriage even after 50 years. My Winters Grandparents are a great example to me of this. Grandpa Winters is the most thoughtful person I know. He is constantly doing little things for my Grandma which shows how much he loves her. I remember once at the bookstore Grandma commented on a CD of a live concert by Dolly Parton. Grandma really likes Dolly Parton. Grandpa asked, "Can I buy the CD for you?" and then he did. It wasn't so much the CD as the way that Grandpa was still looking for little things he could do for my Grandma, after so many years of marriage, that made the difference.
• All of these qualities are qualities that I am looking for in a spouse are qualities that I need to develop in myself.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!