My heart is aching.
I've been trying to fill it by wasting my time on Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram during my rare free time. I've also been treating myself daily to donuts and baked goods from the bakery around the corner.
But my heart is still feeling empty.
The theme in sacrament meeting this month is families. We were supposed to give talks on families yesterday, but I couldn't do it. I cancelled our talks four days before we were supposed to give them. I kept thinking about our family during the talks that were given. I love our family.
I'm simply disappointed that things are happening the way they did.
I know we're young--we'll have children yet, this wasn't our only chance. I'm not sure that I was ready for children right now anyway, with graduate school being so busy. But I was starting to get excited.
Now everyday I see the empty bassinet and empty baby rocker sitting in the corner of our living room. I see friends posting their baby bumps on Facebook. I see brand new babies and happy parents. I am happy for my friends, I truly am.
But I hate answering the dreaded question when friends ask me how I'm feeling, if I have morning sickness yet, if I am excited.
No, I am just sad. It comes in waves, but it is always there in the back of my head and heart.
The dreaded doctor's appointment is on Tuesday. They want me to have a D and C. They say it will prevent health complications and allow my body to heal. But it won't take the ache out of my heart.
Maybe it will be a little while before I feel myself again.
