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| First Frost of 2012 |
Though this story is dramatic, it demonstrates a point. It opens the possibility that the story we tell ourselves about why others behave a certain way does not always agree with the facts—sometimes we don’t even want to know the facts. We would rather feel self-justified in our anger by holding onto our bitterness and resentment. Sometimes these grudges can last months or years. Sometimes they can last a lifetime...
None of us is without sin. Every one of us makes mistakes, including you and me. We have all been wounded. We all have wounded others." (Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf Ensign Oct 2012)
There was a time in my life when I was angry and upset at someone who I loved who had hurt me. I questioned my friendship with this person, I questioned my world paradigm, and I questioned my belief in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I felt taken advantage of, and I felt that everything I had ever taken for granted was a lie. I felt betrayed and my world seemed to be crumbling around me.
At this point, I realized that I had the choice to give up on everything my parents had taught me, or to find out if it was true. I knew that the only way to find out if what I had been taught before was true, was to really truly live it. I experimented with the word of God by really striving to feel the spirit at church meetings, I delved into the scriptures like never before, I tried to live the commandments, and I prayed to my Heavenly Father in a more personal way than ever before. Although it did not come all at once, I gained a testimony for myself that the church is true. Perhaps even more importantly, I felt the love of God in my life and I knew that He was there for me and always will be there for me.
Shortly afterwards, I realized that I was still very angry at the person who I felt had destroyed my life. I felt bitter and resented this person for what they did to me. I felt that I would never trust them again, nor would I ever have a relationship with them again. Although I hid it from those around me, my hurt and anger ate away at my heart. Finally, rather reluctantly, I realized that I had to change. I didn't have the power to change the heart of the person who had hurt me, but I did have the power to change my own heart through the Savior's atonement.
My journey for forgiveness did not come overnight. I had to work harder than I ever had before to understand and apply the gospel in my personal life. Ultimately, I had to place my faith in the Savior, who's atonement helped me to shift my paradigm. I worked on forgiveness for four years. One fall, I had the opportunity to sing in a choir which sang a lovely arrangement of the prayer of Saint Francis. As I sang this song during practice, I felt healing begin to take place in my heart. When we performed the song, I had to stop singing in the middle because I couldn't stop crying at the realization that I forgave this person with my whole heart.
I would like to be able to say that I was perfect after that experience, but unfortunately that would be a lie. I still sometimes feel hurt by the same person, and I still sometimes feel angry. I still have to work at maintaining the feeling of forgiveness towards them. However, these feelings don't last and they don't fester away at my heart. When I start feeling that way, I remember the many blessings in my life, and I am able to put things back in perspective. I remember how it felt to feel honest forgiveness for this person, and I remember that the Savior is still there for me. It is still a journey of healing, and honestly it will probably be something that I will have to work at maintaining for the rest of my life. But I have felt and continue to feel the miraculous healing that the atonement of Jesus Christ can have in my individual life.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy Peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow Love.
Where there is injury, thy Pardon, Lord.
Where there is doubt, let there be Faith.
Oh Lord, make me an instrument of thy Peace.
Where there is despair, let me bring Hope.
Where there is darkness, let there be Light.
Where there is sadness, let there be Joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek:
To be consoled, as to console,
To be understood, as to understand,
To be loved, as to love.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy Peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow Love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it's in dying that we are born
To eternal life, to eternal life.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy Peace.
An instrument of thy Peace. Amen.
-St. Francis
There was a time in my life when I was angry and upset at someone who I loved who had hurt me. I questioned my friendship with this person, I questioned my world paradigm, and I questioned my belief in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I felt taken advantage of, and I felt that everything I had ever taken for granted was a lie. I felt betrayed and my world seemed to be crumbling around me.
At this point, I realized that I had the choice to give up on everything my parents had taught me, or to find out if it was true. I knew that the only way to find out if what I had been taught before was true, was to really truly live it. I experimented with the word of God by really striving to feel the spirit at church meetings, I delved into the scriptures like never before, I tried to live the commandments, and I prayed to my Heavenly Father in a more personal way than ever before. Although it did not come all at once, I gained a testimony for myself that the church is true. Perhaps even more importantly, I felt the love of God in my life and I knew that He was there for me and always will be there for me.
Shortly afterwards, I realized that I was still very angry at the person who I felt had destroyed my life. I felt bitter and resented this person for what they did to me. I felt that I would never trust them again, nor would I ever have a relationship with them again. Although I hid it from those around me, my hurt and anger ate away at my heart. Finally, rather reluctantly, I realized that I had to change. I didn't have the power to change the heart of the person who had hurt me, but I did have the power to change my own heart through the Savior's atonement.
My journey for forgiveness did not come overnight. I had to work harder than I ever had before to understand and apply the gospel in my personal life. Ultimately, I had to place my faith in the Savior, who's atonement helped me to shift my paradigm. I worked on forgiveness for four years. One fall, I had the opportunity to sing in a choir which sang a lovely arrangement of the prayer of Saint Francis. As I sang this song during practice, I felt healing begin to take place in my heart. When we performed the song, I had to stop singing in the middle because I couldn't stop crying at the realization that I forgave this person with my whole heart.
I would like to be able to say that I was perfect after that experience, but unfortunately that would be a lie. I still sometimes feel hurt by the same person, and I still sometimes feel angry. I still have to work at maintaining the feeling of forgiveness towards them. However, these feelings don't last and they don't fester away at my heart. When I start feeling that way, I remember the many blessings in my life, and I am able to put things back in perspective. I remember how it felt to feel honest forgiveness for this person, and I remember that the Savior is still there for me. It is still a journey of healing, and honestly it will probably be something that I will have to work at maintaining for the rest of my life. But I have felt and continue to feel the miraculous healing that the atonement of Jesus Christ can have in my individual life.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy Peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow Love.
Where there is injury, thy Pardon, Lord.
Where there is doubt, let there be Faith.
Oh Lord, make me an instrument of thy Peace.
Where there is despair, let me bring Hope.
Where there is darkness, let there be Light.
Where there is sadness, let there be Joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek:
To be consoled, as to console,
To be understood, as to understand,
To be loved, as to love.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy Peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow Love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it's in dying that we are born
To eternal life, to eternal life.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy Peace.
An instrument of thy Peace. Amen.
-St. Francis
